techdragon

I believe that I am falling in to a life of quite desperation.

I fear that I will never find a partner for this life. I have dated way more people then most people do. I have had my "fun" and have grown weary of it.

I fear that I will never find someone to share with. Some one who can match the intensity that I put in to relationships. What take others days to process, I process in hours. When it come to love I can't shut my mind down about it. It is always there and always processing. Yes I over think things. Yes, I don't consider everything I should most times because I do it so fast. But those are my quirks and I have learned to live with them and even admire them in a way.

The world is filled with physically beautiful people. That no longer moves me. I definitely want some I find beautiful but it isn't enough to even really stir my interests any more. There needs to be something else. Something more. A shared interest. An attitude. A way of moving, of holding ones self, or dressing to even make me curious. I see beautiful people all the time that I am not even remotely drawn to. I have given up on trying with beautiful people. There are just to many of you and with you I have failed to many times. I need more now. There needs to be more to make it worth trying to over come the baggage that I carry.

I am tried of being hurt. I am tired of letting my feelings just happen only to find that the other person is not even remotely where I am, that I have become much more attached to them, then they to me. I am tired of hoping. I am tired... So very tired... Tired of love, and yet I can't give in. I can't stop trying. I see a beautiful person who appearance and manner suggests they might be the kind of person that I could make a connection with and I start hoping again.

Of course I also realize that I have stopped trying in some ways. That I don't go out as much as I used to. I don't find my way to the public places where people meet. They never really worked for me any way. I have tried online dating and that has left me sour. I just want something different from what the rest of the world wants I guess.

You know how people say do what you love and you will find some to love while doing it. What if what I really want is to do simple things. Things that don't get me out really meeting people. That keep me at home or in public places where interaction between unacquainted people is not the norm. So how is that going to help me meet people that share these interests?

Those who can't teach. *sigh* Many times past lovers have told me that they have learned a lot from me about how to love openly and fully. But it is never me that they want that with. Most of the time I agree that they and I are not a good fit. So we part romantic ways. The way it should be... The way it needs to be...

So as the days of my life pass with ever increasing speed. As age begins to take it's toll on my body. As I grow more and more gun shy of even trying. I am scared and sad. Because more then anything else, my one thing in life, that I want above all else, is to share it with someone I have a deep connection with. A friend, a lover and a partner all in one.

Not a bad pursuit for a life. But a pursuit that I believe only really begins once you have found it. And I, I am failing at it.