techdragon

There are five people on my friends lists with broken hearts.

A few of their entries have made me cry as I watch them pour out their bruised souls on the digital pages as if to try and really figure it out. Some of the changes are for the better and a few of them are still unknown... but it causes me to think about things. Day four of the song... I called my cousin to see if these repeat listening would drive me mad and she reminded me of how I used to do this constantly in college. Find the one song... focus. The background music is always the same and suddenly your brain works better and you can think clearly. Repeat to find the focus.

In general, I am not a big fan of humanity. I think we spend much more time fighting with each other and hurting each other to really call ourselves human. From catty office politics to devious plotting, the human race rarely shows me that there really is good in the world. This is the place I have to send my sons out into to find themselves - yet we as a society do not really exist to help them find themselves... We think that is something that happens when you're older and at the end of your rope instead of when you are young and full of ideas. (reminder to self to finish 'working' article)

I have tried to exist on the boundary of society... yes, on purpose. I have found that the true people live just outside the edge of 'normal average american' and they are the people I want and need in my life. The ones who will walk into the burned remainders of your life to save tiny trinkets and damaged mementos because of the value they hold. The ones who can really see you... even the messy broken parts and still want to love you and hold on to you when you show the crackings of weakness.

Humans cause the most damage to each other - more so than any natural disaster or act of war. Many things in this world can cause death, but death is final and deep lingering pain is never-ending. The human heart and mind has the capacity to destroy the soul in both self and others. We are cruel creatures - sometime plotting and organizing the fall of our lovers and friends for smug satisfaction and power.

Power.

The man in the business suit and $400 Revo sunglasses argued with the woman at the DMV who had politely explained that the drivers license machine was broken. He threw a temper tantrum that might have seen powerful in the office he worked, probably would have caused his low-end workers to scamper around, but seemed absolutely silly in the crowded DMV full of people who had been waiting hours to be seen. To him, his 'title' and suit made him more important than me as I sat waiting my turn. He expected his raised voice and desk pounding fist to suddenly fix the computer crash as if the clerk had been lying to him. Why should she even bother to be polite? No wonder customer service folks hate their damn jobs....

But that is every day and mainly strangers... lovers are a completely different arena. Spending time with college girls who date for social status and not for love has corrupted my view on people. Dating for Sport is the new trend (once again). Where will it get me? Will it get me the shiny gold diamond ring and the title of Mrs. with money to spend...? Marriage is the goal again among these girls - some of them are purely in college to go husband-hunting - planning on ditching out on jobs and paid for education when the ring gets placed on their little fingers.

I guess that everything is circular... feminists are rolling in their graves.

Now... I don't think it is wrong to aspire to be married or to want that kind of SIM- life (it is not my kink but you already know how that saying goes) but they are playing a different game than the boys they are dating and when the boys turn around to play their game - wow, do sparks fly. The using and abusing of each other is hard to watch - yet is kind of like watching a traffic accident happen and you just can't take your eyes off the wreckage. Desire and deception are so normal in society that many people will NOT think twice about using them to their advantage. It had become almost socially acceptable to screw over a lover - or an almost/could have been lover. Lie to them about your age or your actual sexual preference to get tickets to the show.

Let them fawn over you and fall in love as you date and wait for the "Bigger Better Deal" and the "Next Best Thing".. where is the harm in that?

Broken. We break each other. Sometimes this is not a bad thing - breaking the bad habits that are causing us to drown or slowly finding a place to exist in someone else's heart but in most of reality, we damage. Makes you want to throw up the walls and spend your days walking around looking out of the peep-holes instead of the doors. I do it. You do it. We are never really our true selves out there in the wild world. I have started to really notice people's personas - the masks they put on because of different situations - to not allow people to really see them and their heart.

I know a man who collects these self-masks for himself... as if he could lay them out on the table and choose who to be. They are not different versions of self but different degrees of blocking. The entertainer, the friend, the lover, the strong-back, the dreamer, the writer and continuing on the mask line up. I have seen him; the real him with open heart and doors. When he places a mask over his features and assumes the walls that guard him from society, I am no longer dazzled for I can see through the mask as it hovers translucently over his face. The masked-self is not really him and I am indifferent about these other identities because I am captivated by his true-self, the secret that I have seen.

Love is more dangerous than fun. Scar can be physical or emotional.. and the invisable ones are the deep-lurking, hard to heal type. You never know if you are about to step in a landmine as you walk through the field spread out ahead of you. Even if there are warning signs - it doesn't mean you'll actually understand when you are about to enter into. The scars may not just be from past lovers or friends either. Family - fathers and mothers, siblings, family ways of living, morals, religion, etc... all leave these hidden battle zones and some unmarked demilitarized zones. Stumble the wrong way and you can lose a limb or even your entire relationship. Not all partners are willing to be patient, loving and communicative about these bits of shrapnel.

My ex-girlfriend had a heart of stone and I fought with her to let me in. Over and over again, I had pleaded my case and showed her my love. But I was always denied. She had marked out a tiny place for me in her world (more than she had done for anyone else) but it was clear that I was not allowed to have any free-roaming in her heart and life. I tried to prove myself. I drove myself mad chipping away at the solid stone wall that had been built around her core. Other people had bruised her, abused her, and broken the woman I was trying to love. The closer I got, the more scared she became as if even just my presence and love was enough to pull her apart and destroy her (or her version of life). She would sporadically become quick-tempered and violent. This sure was wonderful reinforcement for me..*sigh* but I stuck too it - now sporting my own bruises (both emotional and physical) to match hers. Finally, I realized that she was never going to give me anymore space. I was just to accept that fact that that was my place and no matter what, I should be happy there because at least I got to exchange some love in the process.

I couldn't accept that. I couldn't handle being constantly beaten down for loving her. I love too strongly for such a tiny insignificant plot of land in her heart.

Yes, I'll admit it freely. I like being loved. I come with strong emotions and take to caring about people on a primal deep level. This is never going to change. I assume that I am carving myself deeper with your impression than you are doing for me. I assume that I am putting more weight on my words and reading too deep into little things than my lovers. I can be proven wrong... and it has happened but mostly, I am willing to love in a manner that will cripple me if it fails. There is no other option in my world and yes, it causes me heartache some days and worry on the other days.... but in-between is the gold part. The important part. The really important part.

This dangerous loving is the key to keeping my world spinning. It makes me happy. It lets me dance in the rain, giggle over letters and phone messages, revel in the comfort of a lover's borrowed t-shirt, and feel truly like my self.