techdragon | Serious talking

Serious talking

There is a paranoia of mine that I have a really hard time shaking. I have a lot of fear about sexual assault and rape and it affect my daily life. It forces me to change the hours I like to be out on the town. It changes where I park my car and what weapons I have on my body. It forces me to dress and look a certain way in hope of putting out “stay away” vibes. But most of all, it causes flashed of fear that almost paralyze me.

Yes. This is from my perspective. I know that sexual crimes happen to all gender and are committed by all genders. I can only tell my side.

I have wanted to get this out because lately, my city has been having a rise in reported assaults and it scares me. There were gang rapes in back allies on campus, a break-in rape on the East side, the girl abducted from campus and raped, and of course the summer story of the young photographer out on assignment that was chained up, assaulted, raped and killed here in good-old Wisconsin. I don’t know how to handle it. When do you know that you are safe from something you can’t and don’t have control over? Do men realize the fear that they can invoke? Do they think about that? Or are they completely blind to it? I know that my fears can sometime take over but the images that news stories put in my head sicken me. I had my own tango with sexual assault when I was younger and I know the statistic involved. I don’t want to have these frightful things happen to me or my girlfriends and I don’t want to have to fear it like I do. It is horribly scary and maybe only other women or victims understand and see that.

The boys in gaming group – as much as I love them – have a language issue. It has gotten better over time with both

asaka and I reminding them but it still comes up and it bothers me. They like to throw around the word “rape” when our characters are about to screwed over or are in serious trouble. This makes me uncomfortable and angry. It is not a proper use of the word but what has become a common use of that word. It doesn’t sit well and they don’t see it. They don’t see how it is a problem nor what feelings it invokes in her and I. With the gaming guys, I think it is a bit of ignorance combined with a general innocence to the world. They don’t get out much or date much and definitely don’t party much. But they are smart, educated men that throw around the word “rape” as common adjective.

I don’t understand.

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My husband is constantly amazed at the fear women have to live in. Before we were living together, I remember him telling me that he thought his female friend was inordinately afraid of being raped. He made it seem like an arrogance thing. He never once brought up that she works the graveyard shift at a sketchy diner in a rough neighborhood. It never even occurred to him to think like that.
But now that he's got somebody he's more emotionally invested in and who he understands better, he is beginning to become aware of the risks. And he's becoming sympathetic at least. We ended up having a long conversation because I mentioned in passing that I never would have parked the car where he did if I was alone (far end of the parking lot between two large vans). So he wants to understand. Even though people of any gender or age can experience sexual assault, most men don't understand how constant the threat is to a woman.

>This is from my perspective.

From whom else's perspective would you speak? (smile)

>Do men realize the fear that they can invoke?

I can't speak for all men; we don't have that good a union. I'm not a large man, and go out of my way to not look threatening, and this seems to inspire a reaction of "You're *still* threatening, and on top of that you're lying to me."

I've had martial-arts training; while I don't consider myself good at it, I know that I *can* cause damage; I can't reasonably pretend to be harmless. I am, however, honorable, or at any rate that's my self-perception; I find women attractive and want to have to do with them, and do not desire to cause them distress unless they tell me quite explicitly that's what they *want*, which has happened a few times.

And some of my MA *instructors* have been women, some of them small. After a morning of having a little woman toss me on my head, I have a lot of trouble buying into the "helpless female" mindset. And the best shot I know is a gorgeous redhead (female).

You have your issues with assault, and I'm not trying to say they're *not* your issues, or that you don't have a right to have them. But I do feel a need to remind you that they're *your* issues, and that having them, and having them be yours, doesn't necessarily indicate that they accurately reflect reality. Many men have a great deal of respect for both women and their own powers, and seek to protect the one and limit the other. The existence of other men who are brigands doesn't change this, and which subset of the class "Men" you choose to direct your attention to is a choice, not something an uncaring Universe shoves down your throat.

I don't have an OED handy, but my memory is that "rape" originally meant closer to what your gaming group is using it to mean than the more modern definition of sexual assault. Worth checking into.

I'm going to cross-post this in my own journal so as to widen the discussion. OK with you for me to link back here?

best,

Joel

Many men have a great deal of respect for both women and their own powers, and seek to protect the one and limit the other.

True. I don't fear men as a whole but it only takes one to be disrespectful or have those desires. I have a lot of faith - I really do but I am allowed fear

Then there are cases like this: http://www.channel3000.com/news/9902083/detail.html

Text: MADISON, Wis. -- A pizza cook in Madison was taking out the trash when he saw a rape in progress, took pictures with his cell phone and joined the attack earlier this month, according to a criminal complaint.

The complaint said that Mario Orlando-Amaya took photos of two men assaulting a woman behind Ian's Pizza, called his co-workers to watch and then joined the men in the rape on Sept. 4.

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On definitions: I hear it used in the context of "our characters are about to screwed over or are in serious trouble. " which I don't think is close to original meaning of "destroy and strip of its possession" or "(the act of despoiling a country in warfare)" which I feel are much more serious offenses. I think the origin of the word points to more like: violate, despoil which is not how they are using it.

I think that this words history is not tied to sexual assault though you do have to be respectful of the current usage of the word. If I use fag to refer to a cigarette, I will get a bit of trouble for it. So context matters.

I'm going to cross-post this in my own journal so as to widen the discussion. OK with you for me to link back here?

I missed this part the first time through... but it is okay with me.

Link added. Thanks.

best,

Joel

For many years, I was surrounded by women who had been assulted, not all sexually, when they were younger. I felt lucky for the stories I was told by them.

Though there are a few people who have said I had been too 'insistant and forceful' when I was younger, a situation of violence has not occured to me. Without negotiation, I sould add.

I still feel lucky.

(Though the fantasy part of that has never been fufilled - I think I scare too many people)

Oh - I forgot - your perspective is yours. You should not feel bad for having the thoughts and feelings YOU have. It does not invalidate that feelings if nothing comes to pass, but it does keep you aware of yourself and surroundings.

I think the amount of fear generated by the media is way overbalanced. It's true that 1 out of 3 women will suffer some kind of sexual assault during her lifetime, but here in America its not the kind of thing that happens all the time. Remember that those grusome, fearful reports are diluted out by the fact that there are 150 million women living in this country. It is right to be wary, but I sometimes feel like the media wants to keep us scared because stressed out citizens stick to their tv sets and stay indoors and don't make so much of a fuss when their rights are violated.
There are certainly ignorant, heartless guys to go around, but there are plenty of good ones, too, and I've run into a fair number of basically honorable folk in the SCA.

Hi there. I wandered in via

polydad's post. I hope you don't mind the intrusion.

It seems to me that if you're having serious lifestyle repercussions from your fear (of anything, really), it would be wise to address this as a mental health issue. I am NOT saying it's crazy to fear rape; I just think that anything which makes us change our habits and subjugate our own desires (how we dress, where and when we go somewhere) is worth working on. You are not free if you live in fear.

I'd personally suggest a 3-fold plan:

1) Seek therapy. You sound like you have anxiety issues, and that rape / sexual assault is the trigger for these anxieties. (I have depression, anxiety issues, and PTSD. Very different triggers, but I mention it because I don't want to sound judgemental. I'm with you here.)

2) Get educated on how to protect yourself. The best way to not panic and keep your head in any situation is to be educated on what to do. In your case, learn some basic self-defense and ways to diffuse tense situations (rape is sometimes, maybe always, a crime about power and anger, so knowing how to diffuse an angry person might be helpful). If you were assaulted, and you knew the right things to do, and didn't panic, the after effects will be better -- you'll know you handled it right, even if something bad happened, so there will be no self-blame. Also, being confident marks you as a non-victim, and if you do cross paths with a rapist, he may look elsewhere. These are big what-ifs, but there you go.

3) Arm yourself -- and I don't mean firearms unless that's your personal choice. Consider Rapex (http://www.rapestop.net/), the rape-prevention device. It has had a lot of controversy, and some people think it might increase a rape victim's chances of being killed. However, if you are living in this much fear, having this thing (and using it when you feel you need to) may give you the confidence to go where you want to go. Couple that with a good-quality and locally legal pepper spray / mace / whatever combination. Know how to use whatever self-defense device(s) you choose, and keep them handy.

As for language, I can't help you there. I agree that it's a problem, but I also maintain a firm belief that offense is always taken and never given. I have similar issues with the term "Nazi," -- given that I was violently assaulted by Nazis once, the idea that someone is a "remote control Nazi" or a "soup Nazi" or a "feminazi" really bugs me. However, I've worked hard to control my knee-jerk reaction to offensive terms by considering intent and reminding myself that while language is powerful (I'm a professional writer), we don't always have to choose to give in to anyone or anything else's power if we don't want to.

I found it interesting to come home and read this after having been seriously disturbed today by my co-worker complaining to me about her son being in jail over the weekend due to being "wrongly accused" of sexual assault. For a variety of reasons, I think he did it, but how to you say that to a guys mother? This is not the kind of woman who would have taught her son to respect women.

So you asked "Do men realize the fear that they can invoke? Do they think about that? Or are they completely blind to it?"

Many do. Those who were raised in an environment that showed respect for all people, including or especially women in their lives, know how to avoid invoking fear. But far too many grow up in homes, communities, or cultures where this sort of respect is not common, not taught, and not encouraged.

I'm a survivor of repeated sexual assault, and I can see now very clearly the cultural pressures that lead to the sorts of things that happened to me.

If it helps at all, you do send off strong "stay away" vibes. You send them my way. I think I'm not the only one who's felt it. I doubt you'd be seen by anyone as a target. I'm glad to see that you do let some people inside that bubble - I'd worry if you didn't.

I am sorry I throw "stay away" vibes at you... I don't mean to because I like you and you are in my bubble :)

Oh, I'm not offended... just making the point that your message is effective. Don't worry.

When I lived in Stevens Point I carried pepper spray with me almost all the time. I kept it in my pocket and would put my hand in my pocket and hold it in my hand. When I was especially nervous or it was late at night I would carry it outside of my pocket, hoping that if anyone looked at me close enough they would see it. It felt better to have it out and ready instead of in the bottom of my backpack or in my drawer at home. It also made me feel better to know that no one could really be permanently injured if I made a mistake and I feel like it made me more likely to defend myself.

Last night I walked to my car after work in the dark parking lot and it was freezing. A van pulled up between me and my car and just sat there and I started getting suspcious. I pulled out my keys, I took note of its license plate and make, I tried to get a glimpse of the driver, and the coldness went away... I just didnt' feel it anymore because I was intensely concentrating on a remote possibility that this van was an 'abduction van', and I was planning my next move.
I feel that every day to some degree.
The stress of going into 'combat mode' wears on our psyches and our bodies, but so far society hasn't found a way to fix it, so I gladly go into 'combat mode' to spare the consequences.
As a wife of one of those gamer boys, it hurts to hear him use that word... and he still does... just not as much at game anymore. We've argued briefly and I know his stance is "that's not what I mean and you know it"... and I find myself unable to completely trust that that's not what he means. Because you never know.
I've never spoken to my husband enough to make him sympathetic to the sexual violence issue... if I've tried (which is hard enough) he has stopped it with a wave of the hand and with a "this makes you upset" or "I get it. We don't have to talk". The bottom line being, he probably does get it, but we never know.
Uh. I was going to try to say something upbeat but I can't because I sympathize. And I don't think therapy will make your fears go away. They may frame them within reasonable boundaries, but the world is still UNreasonable, so my feeling is your fears ARE reasonable.

Yeah, I've had coworkers say casually, "Oh, they rape you with the prices of their salads" and the like. I don't like it, either. I also don't like the term "wifebeater" to refer to a white tank top worn by men. I can't change the fact that others are comfortable using language like this casually; these people are lucky enough not to have fallen victim to these crimes and simply don't understand how hurtful their language is.

I have thoughts on this to share, but not enough time to write them down right now. (At least not and have them sound intelligent.) I will come back though.

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