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This weekend was titled as: "I found my salvation in my temptation."
Many of you have already heard this… J came back pissy and sulky at me because I did not give him some sort of ‘fanfare’ when he arrived home Friday night. Honestly – four days with the kids had killed me energy-wise since I was not used to it and I was in no mood to be cute and praiseful. I had work to do and I needed him to step up and help me but instead he kept leaving to run errands and I fell more behind.
On Saturday, Katie and I got to play with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
alibee and her puppies and then got some much needed food shopping done. I came home in a good mood to find J packing him stuff up. I didn’t interfere and waited for him to talk to me. Talk didn’t happen – yelling did. As he puts it … “he could be alone here or alone at his dad’s place.” He is mad that I am busy with work and school. He is mad that I let the boys sleep with me. He says, “Too bad you’re tired, You shouldn’t let the boys run all over you.” “Yell and fight with them till you win.” I did not get angry back … nor in the end did he leave. He kept saying that he was unhappy but wanted me to tell him to leave (so it of course would be my fault.). I would not tell him that. I kept saying, “I don’t know” to most of his questions.
I feel like a loser… I was so close but couldn’t just do it.
He ended up staying and I went out. THANKFULLY I went out.enzie took me to the Burlesque show and then to the Inferno. It was the Inferno that changed everything. I had not been there in years and between the music, the darkness and the smoke… I started to feel real again, tangible and alive. I even started being overly flirtatious with many people including rhino777. Everything started to look up. I remembered how I used to be and how I always did so well on my own… even when it was just PJ and I. The dancing and the atmosphere was intoxicating and overly enjoyable. We left at 2am… dropped of rhino777 and got Perkins. We stayed out talking until almost 4am.
It was perfect and I felt better than I had in years.
Sunday… was a downer. J was on his “perfect” behavior that just annoys me. My (birth adoption) parents came to visit and near the end of a one hour visit, I lost it with them. My mother told me my cousin had just had her baby – I didn’t even know she was pregnant. My mother told me that I should keep in contact more and then I would know thing… (THIS is where I lost it). I started to rant because since Skeeter was diagnosed only one of my Aunts have even contacted me or sent any sort of ‘thinking of you’ card or anything. And I have a large family… and we were brought up and forced to send these damn card (I average 30 some cards a year). I have been thinking this rant for the last seven months of being forgotten by my family – something that has hurt me a lot. That was when my mother admitted that she told people not to send cards, contact me, or try and visit since Skeeter got sick. The conversation did not progress nicely from there.
All in all the weekend was a mess. I have not resolved things with J and just feel so odd about it. I have decided to not be so overly nice with him… to make him see what I actually expect and need from my partner. To not let him bitch when I have school or work to do. I am disappointed in myself.
But I learned a lot. I remember what it is like to not feel cold and dead inside. I remember the spark of meeting someone that could interest with you and shamelessly flirting with them. I feel more confident and more sexual than I have in the last seven months.
That was a long weekend.
Many of you have already heard this… J came back pissy and sulky at me because I did not give him some sort of ‘fanfare’ when he arrived home Friday night. Honestly – four days with the kids had killed me energy-wise since I was not used to it and I was in no mood to be cute and praiseful. I had work to do and I needed him to step up and help me but instead he kept leaving to run errands and I fell more behind.
On Saturday, Katie and I got to play with
alibee and her puppies and then got some much needed food shopping done. I came home in a good mood to find J packing him stuff up. I didn’t interfere and waited for him to talk to me. Talk didn’t happen – yelling did. As he puts it … “he could be alone here or alone at his dad’s place.” He is mad that I am busy with work and school. He is mad that I let the boys sleep with me. He says, “Too bad you’re tired, You shouldn’t let the boys run all over you.” “Yell and fight with them till you win.” I did not get angry back … nor in the end did he leave. He kept saying that he was unhappy but wanted me to tell him to leave (so it of course would be my fault.). I would not tell him that. I kept saying, “I don’t know” to most of his questions.I feel like a loser… I was so close but couldn’t just do it.
He ended up staying and I went out. THANKFULLY I went out.
enzie took me to the Burlesque show and then to the Inferno. It was the Inferno that changed everything. I had not been there in years and between the music, the darkness and the smoke… I started to feel real again, tangible and alive. I even started being overly flirtatious with many people including rhino777. Everything started to look up. I remembered how I used to be and how I always did so well on my own… even when it was just PJ and I. The dancing and the atmosphere was intoxicating and overly enjoyable. We left at 2am… dropped of rhino777 and got Perkins. We stayed out talking until almost 4am.It was perfect and I felt better than I had in years.
Sunday… was a downer. J was on his “perfect” behavior that just annoys me. My (birth adoption) parents came to visit and near the end of a one hour visit, I lost it with them. My mother told me my cousin had just had her baby – I didn’t even know she was pregnant. My mother told me that I should keep in contact more and then I would know thing… (THIS is where I lost it). I started to rant because since Skeeter was diagnosed only one of my Aunts have even contacted me or sent any sort of ‘thinking of you’ card or anything. And I have a large family… and we were brought up and forced to send these damn card (I average 30 some cards a year). I have been thinking this rant for the last seven months of being forgotten by my family – something that has hurt me a lot. That was when my mother admitted that she told people not to send cards, contact me, or try and visit since Skeeter got sick. The conversation did not progress nicely from there.
All in all the weekend was a mess. I have not resolved things with J and just feel so odd about it. I have decided to not be so overly nice with him… to make him see what I actually expect and need from my partner. To not let him bitch when I have school or work to do. I am disappointed in myself.
But I learned a lot. I remember what it is like to not feel cold and dead inside. I remember the spark of meeting someone that could interest with you and shamelessly flirting with them. I feel more confident and more sexual than I have in the last seven months.
That was a long weekend.
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She told them WHAT?
I'm so glad you went to the burlesque. I had the same feeling you did, of being back to myself, of being a part of people who I belonged with.
I know the last couple of times you've contacted me with time free, I've not been able to respond in time or have been busy. Don't stop doing it, though--because I do want to be part of the support network that you lack right now.
RE: J. I don't know the guy too well, and I hate to be judgemental. But when he's gone, you don't miss him, when you do the things he has no interest in you feel more whole, and when he's there, you get aggravated, tense, and have added stress.
Forget your fear for a moment and look at this objectively: what would YOU tell a friend in those circumstances to do?